Sorry for the break from my slice of awesomeness, but I’ve been in upstate New York busting my ass helping my sister with her DIY wedding to her high school sweetheart:
My mom was a little worried about how the groom’s family would feel about me performing the ceremony since it’s a “non-traditional” choice. So I decided to make everyone more comfortable by wearing a super short backless sparkle dress and no bra for the occasion:
and then proceeded to announce that “I am totally single” DURING the ceremony – no, I am not kidding and yes, there’s proof (*I was born without a filter – it’s part of my crazy charm.)
Then there was the moment where I bet the Best Man that my Maid-of-Honor speech would kick his ass and if it didn’t, I’d take off my clothes. Well, the creeper DJ announced the bet to the crowd before the toast – which sparked an 11 year old guest to ask her Mom – “Is the Pastor really going to take her clothes off?”
To make matters a little bit more interesting I hadn’t planned my speech at all and thought I’d wing it – which resulted in this:
Um. yup, I went there. (*and yes, I need a thesaurus because the various forms of true, truly, believe, believer, believing were beaten to death.)
I’d like to say that this was the most inappropriate thing I did, but then you don’t know me very well.
At the end of the night my sister and I were standing in front of the crowd going around the room thanking various people for their hard work and my sister mentioned the absence of my father and step-father who were too ill to attend the wedding and that’s when we both broke down with a case of the ugly cry…..so, what do I do? With my white knuckled grip on the microphone I announce “I don’t normally cry in public, I am just ovulating.”
On a brighter note more than a couple of people asked me for my “pastor card” – which is all kinds of interesting - for one thing I didn’t know pastors carried cards, and two maybe times are changing and people want their weddings performed with touches of sparkle, miniskirts, bra-less-ness, updates concerning ovulation schedule, and spontanious announcements regarding relationship status – followed by a plea to meet the single men after the ceremony.
I didn’t have a card – so I directed the kind people to my blog, tracy lane is not a virgin, when the words tumbled out of my mouth – I didn’t stop there – I then finished with “oh, yeah, and my first post is a picture of my ass.”
So that’s where I’ve been…I won’t mention the caterer that “allegedly” (don’t sue me) pulled a gun on a guest or the other rather x-rated antics of some of the wilder guests because I am now an official conduit of God (just ask the Universal Life Church). I have vows to protect – so feel free to confess all your darkest secrets to me – I promise I won’t tell or testify or …wait, I am really bad at keeping secrets and I suck at lying….whatever… my sister is now happily married and I am still totally single – but can now marry other people, which is awesome in that I’m never a bride always the priest sort of way.
oh you and your sis–and family–make me laugh so:) bless your hearts and popped cherries too
beautiful!!! you are too sweet! thank you – next time I am in NH we will play for sure. xo
In your other life you were Henny Youngman.
just went on a youngman google tangent: I MUST TRY THIS!!! “How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2′…there must be a way to translate his advice into today’s technology or a way for me to be teleported back in time – (seriously think at birth i step into a black hole or something…it would explain so much.) anyway, i would proudly wear Henny Youngman’s name tag any day or the week.
This is great. I don’t think the pastor that married me was wearing a bra either, though he probably could have used one. Funny stuff.
hahaha! sometimes when I write I can’t wear a bra because I am convinced it interrupts blood flow to the brain – this is ridiculous – I know, but I do it anyway – basically I’ll do anything to avoid “writer’s block” (which i just had to convince myself I didn’t say aloud – I typed it – so it didn’t hear me). I don’t normally admit this, and I don’t know exactly why I am writing this now? hmmm… MAYBE! in the next day or two you will meet someone who is suffering from writer’s block and you’ll pass on this advice – that they should write bra-less (well assuming they wear a bra) but if you did this – then this comment would make sense. thanks for reading and if you are still reading this comment you are way more awesome than i thought!!
Gosh, does that braless technique to enhance creativity work for making art too? No wonder my fiance encourages me to leave it off!
Your blog and ADORABLE, FUNNY, SWEET speech are the only things that could pry me away from my obsessive love affair with Tina Fey and 30 Rock, which is playing on a loop 24/7 while I’m recovering.
beautiful heather! rest, rest, rest – sending love and healing prayers. miss you!!!
HA! Best one yet, Tracy…
Onur! thank you – you are awesome!!!!!
This is really attention-grabbing, You are an excessively professional blogger. I’ve joined your feed and stay up for seeking extra of your excellent post. Also, I have shared your website in my social networks!
I fear there is waaaaay better stuff coming…we just spent a week with our mother, the QUEEN of inappropriate.
At our forest wedding in July we are having a dear friend be our conduit to God (just ask American Marriage Ministries), and he will not be wearing a bra (but might be open to the idea). I am sure, however, that his service will not be anywhere near as entertaining as yours, or your toast, or your blog. (but he will be perfect for our tiny quiet ceremony of heart to heart, soul to soul speaking)
Hear hear Tracy, great stuff!!!!!
ps I won’t be wearing a bra…
Your wedding speech was so freaking funny!!!!
I can’t believe you won’t be at Wed Writers – or will you??!!
Miss you, hope you are well
Xx Kelly