are you a douchebag?

  • Do you “borrow” a girl’s cell phone in order to get her digits because she won’t give them to you?
  • Do you ignore her when she tells you that “you are too young to date” because you are “Philly’s Johnny Depp”? Chicks dig you – she will dig you -you’ve got muscles – lots of them.
  • When lifting heavy stuff do you do it slowly – like you have an audience?
  • Do you make sure she sees you flexing even if you are standing still doing nothing?
  • Does your late model Honda have a custom paint job reflecting your deep love for Louis Vuitton?
  • Do you show her your “stage combat reel” the one with you running around in a loin cloth with a tomahawk set to the musical stylings of Green Day (including a lot of slow motion and close-ups of your abs)? Do you consider this your answer to what is foreplay?
  • Do you go for the “let me give you a back massage move” because you think it’s not creepy at all? If she walks away the second you try to touch her – do you think that she’s just playing hard to get?
  • Do you text her with some “flowery talk” because girls like that?

Example:

Philly’s Johnny Depp: What up?

ME: Who is this?

Philly’s Johnny Depp: ******

ME: How did you get my number?

Philly’s Johnny Depp: ;)

Philly’s Johnny Depp: What’s your favorite color?

ME: I don’t have one.

Philly’s Johnny Depp: Favorite dessert?

Me: Anything with chocolate -nothing with fake fruit flavor.

Philly’s Johnny Depp: fav movie?

ME: I don’t Sophie’s Choice my favorite movies.

Philly’s Johnny Depp: Flower?

ME: just circle ‘d’ all of the above.

Philly’s Johnny Depp: huh?

ME: clearly you are running some sort of psych test on me…let me cut to the chase: I am too crazy for you.

Philly’s Johnny Depp: LOL Ur funny & ur hot. lets hang.

ME: no.

Philly’s Johnny Depp: you be missin out on this

Philly’s Johnny Depp: (PIC)* Philly’s Johnny Depp throwing a gang sign, shirtless, flexing in a bathroom mirror – the flash obscuring his face (and yes you can smell the Drakkar through the phone.)

Diagnosis: There is only one Johnny Depp, just ask Richard Grieco and no, I am  not interested and no, I am not just being “cute” and yes, you are a douche.