So you wanna know how inappropriate I was at my sister’s wedding?

Sorry for the break from my slice of awesomeness, but I’ve been in upstate New York busting my ass helping my sister with her DIY wedding to her high school sweetheart:

My mom was a little worried about how the groom’s family would feel about me performing the ceremony since it’s a “non-traditional” choice. So I decided to make everyone more comfortable by wearing a super short backless sparkle dress and no bra for the occasion:

and then proceeded to announce that “I am totally single” DURING the ceremony – no, I am not kidding  and yes, there’s proof (*I was born without a filter – it’s part of my crazy charm.)

Then there was the moment where I bet the Best Man that my Maid-of-Honor speech would kick his ass and if it didn’t, I’d take off my clothes. Well, the creeper DJ announced the bet to the crowd before the toast – which sparked an 11 year old guest to ask her Mom – “Is the Pastor really going to take her clothes off?”

To make matters a little bit more interesting I hadn’t planned my speech at all and thought I’d wing it – which resulted in this:

Um. yup, I went there. (*and yes, I need a thesaurus because the various forms of true, truly, believe, believer, believing were beaten to death.)

I’d like to say that this was the most inappropriate thing I did, but then you don’t know me very well.

At the end of the night my sister and I were standing in front of the crowd going around the room thanking various people for their hard work and my sister mentioned the absence of my father and step-father who were too ill to attend the wedding and that’s when we both broke down with a case of the ugly cry…..so, what do I do? With my white knuckled grip on the microphone I announce “I don’t normally cry in public,  I am just ovulating.”

On a brighter note more than a couple of people asked me for my “pastor card” – which is all kinds of interesting  - for one thing I didn’t know pastors carried cards, and two maybe times are changing and people want their weddings performed with touches of  sparkle, miniskirts, bra-less-ness, updates concerning ovulation schedule, and spontanious announcements regarding relationship status –  followed by a plea to meet the single men after the ceremony.

I didn’t have a card – so I directed the kind people to my blog, tracy lane is not a virgin, when the words tumbled out of my mouth – I didn’t stop there – I then finished with “oh, yeah, and my first post is a picture of my ass.”

So that’s where I’ve been…I won’t mention the caterer that “allegedly” (don’t sue me) pulled a gun on a guest or the other rather x-rated antics of some of the wilder guests because I am now an official conduit of God (just ask the Universal Life Church).  I have vows to protect – so feel free to confess all your darkest secrets to me – I promise I won’t tell or testify or …wait, I am really bad at keeping secrets and I suck at lying….whatever… my sister is now happily married and I am still totally single – but can now marry other people, which is awesome in that I’m never a bride always the priest sort of way.

a love letter from my vagina

Dear Prospective Penis,

I am currently accepting applications for admission, however, there are a few things you should know in advance about my vagina:

1. Me and my vagina have a long history.

2. My vagina knows all. She can tell when you’ve been somewhere you shouldn’t.

3. Vaginas are self cleaning!

4. My mother has one. So did her mother. I come from a long line of vaginas and so do you.

5. Some are hairy, some are bald, some are vagazzeled and some are pierced – ALL are beautiful.

6. Here’s how to know when you are welcome to enter, it’ll be wet, like a rainy day, so make sure to wear your rubber.

Thank you for your interest and please feel free to respond with the top six reasons why my penis is right for your vagina.

Sincerely,

Tracy Lane (owner and operator of one amazing vagina )

This is what happens when you find yourself single and sitting in a “You Will Heal and Love” seminar. I knew I was in for some hippy dippy shit when the key speaker kicked it off with “When was the last time you looked at your vagina in a mirror?”

um. where’s the exit?…no, must stay, must heal current situation!

In order to properly document the reason behind me attending seminar let’s look at the photographic evidence as it relates to singledom and cat.

Exhibit A:

Threat level: moderate.

But then a certain cat decided to take over a recently vacant spot in my bed in a rather agressive manner.

Exhibit B:

Threat level: “Danger, Will Robinson!”

According to the Law of Attraction this is not a good situation, cat is not allowing for a new man to enter the equation. Tracy + Cat divided by current sleeping arrangement = single. Scary cat lady single.

And for the record I have A cat, “A” meaning one. Nero. I admit that I take his picture and sometimes I video and yes, okay, I have become THE cat person in my circle of friends. The one you send the  funny cat video, cartoon or photo etc. Yup, I am now THAT person. So situation is more intense than I thought. Fuck.

When the “Love Yourself” speaker told the audience  to go home and grab a hand mirror and take notes, be creative and writer a letter – “get to know your vagina inside and out”, I thought I had crossed over in 1972, but apparently vaginas are the key to unlocking all your hidden pain.

The speaker’s misson was to talk to my vagina, well, all vaginas for that matter, as if they were the last vaginas in the world, a world filled with fake vaginas, plastic non-loving non-natural vaginas.

“Women of today are on the quest for the ideal vagina. Accepting and loving your vagina is the first step in owning your sexuality. We must take a stand against vagina rejuvenation surgery and labiaplasty. Ladies learn to love your labia! Most men believe any vagina is good vagina. So leave the glow sticks and sparkly stuff for your arts and crafts and and let your vagina shine all on its own. And if you run into a guy who says the unthinkable, that your vagina is ugly, just hand him a picture of his testicles and send him on his way.”

I am a good student, but I still woke up in the middle of the night to this:

In the end I realized it’s not about a  penis (although I am a big fan of them) it’s all about the love of a great pussy…and I got two of them.